Safety and consent
Safety is the foundation everything rests on in my workshops and sessions. Without safety no trust, and without trust no surrender.
This page sets out what I actually do to carry that safety: how consent works from the first contact until afterwards, what knowledge of the body sits underneath, what material I use, and how you know beforehand how intense something will be.
How consent works in my sessions
Consent here goes far beyond a yes at the start. It is a continuous, living dialogue that runs from the first contact to the end of the session.
Before the session. Every trajectory starts with an intake conversation. In it we discuss your intention, any physical limitations, earlier experiences and limits. That conversation is a real conversation. It helps me tune the session to you and gives you room to ask questions.
During the session. We work with continuous check-ins. I keep asking: how does this feel, is anything tingling, do you want me to adjust something. We do not wait until there is a problem. The communication runs all the way through, in words and through breath, body language and other signals.
At any moment. You are always free to pause or to stop completely. No explanation, no pressure to continue. We make clear agreements about communication and signals beforehand, so stopping is always simple and safe.
Why I do not use a traffic light system with beginners
Many shibari practitioners know the traffic light system with red, amber and green. In regular workshops and sessions I deliberately do not use it. A traffic light asks you as a beginner to assess how you feel and translate that into a colour code. That abstraction is exactly what confuses beginners.
Instead I work with continuous, open communication. I ask the questions. You answer what you feel. No codes, no system to remember, just honest contact.
In advanced classes, where the intensity is higher and participants know their own limits better, I do introduce the traffic light system as an extra layer.
More on the philosophy behind consent in tantric workshops is in my article when slowness is not enough.
Physical safety: what I actually do
Physical safety starts with knowledge of the body. In every class and session I pay attention to these points.
Anatomy and risk zones. Nerves and blood vessels on the inside of the wrists, the inner elbow, the groin and the neck are vulnerable. In the classes you learn where rope may and may not lie, and why. We never place rope on joints or across areas with major nerves or blood vessels.
The rope interview. Before a single rope is touched we hold a rope interview. You learn to ask questions about injuries, sensitivities and limits. It is a fixed step in every workshop and class.
Continuous checking. While tying I regularly check the sensitivity in hands and fingers. At any tingling, numbness or change of colour we adjust immediately.
Safety shears. There are always safety shears within reach to cut rope quickly. I have never needed them, and they are there.
No pain. We never work towards positions that hurt. We deliberately avoid pain. The surrender we look for comes out of safety: when the bedding feels good enough, you can let go.
Which ropes I use and why
The choice of material is part of safety and hygiene.
In workshops. I always use POSH ropes, polyester over spun hemp. That is a high quality synthetic rope that feels natural and is easy to clean. After every workshop the ropes go into the washing machine, so everyone works with clean rope.
In private sessions. I work with POSH or jute, the traditional material in shibari. Jute has its own grip and warmth on the skin. I make, maintain and condition my jute ropes myself. Important: not all jute is safe. Industrial jute for packaging can contain JBO oil, which is harmful to the skin. I only use jute that has been treated for use on the body.
I do not use cotton. Cotton absorbs moisture and odours fastest, which makes it unhygienic in shared use.
More on choosing rope is on the page shibari rope.
How you know beforehand how far it goes
Safety starts with knowing what you are stepping into. That is why every offering carries a number of chili peppers. They indicate what the intensity can be for your nervous system, from clothes on to nudity welcome. That way you choose what fits you right now, before you sign up.
Read how the chili system works and why I work trauma informed.
Why this is not BDSM
I like to make this distinction clear. My workshops hold no punishment component and no dominance in the BDSM sense of the word. There is control, and that is the play of letting go of control and being held.
The intention lies elsewhere. In tantric shibari the attention goes to meditative presence, energetic connection and the art of intimacy. Power dynamics and role play play no part here.
BDSM is a legitimate practice for those who choose it, and I respect it. It is simply something other than what I offer, and it is good to know that beforehand. Read more in my guide to shibari and tantra.
How a workshop is built up
Every workshop begins with sensing the group. We do a short round in which everyone shares where they are and what their intention is. I adjust the day to that. Sometimes the group asks for extra attention to the basics of consent and communication. Sometimes I can go deeper faster.
- Arriving and meeting. A short round, sharing intentions, agreements about limits and communication.
- Building safety. Explanation of risk zones, the rope interview, safety equipment.
- Warming up and theme exercises. Making contact before the rope comes out of the bag.
- Learning technique. The first knots and frictions, with attention to how it feels alongside how it looks.
- Working in the deeper layer. As the day goes on we build towards more intensity and connection, with a temple night or a massage exchange.
- Landing and closing circle. Room to land, to share what you experienced and to ask questions.
The content shifts per level, and the structure of safety, communication and build up always stays the same. The full overview is on learning shibari.
Safety for couples
As a couple you enter a vulnerable space together. That asks for extra care. In couples sessions I discuss expectations and limits with both partners, so everyone has room to look honestly at their own desires.
During the session I guide you step by step. You do not need experience. You set the pace, how much clothing stays on and how far you want to go. There is no pressure to move in any particular direction.
Read more about the couples sessions.
Emotional safety and aftercare
Shibari touches the body and the emotions. When the body relaxes and the mind settles, stored emotions can surface. A laugh, a tear, a deep sigh: everything may be there.
Aftercare is therefore a fixed part of every session. A moment of soft touch, warmth and silence, in which the experience can settle quietly. The insights and the renewed connection that come out of it often work through deeply into daily life.
In my space in Eke near Ghent you can always stay a while after the session. There is no hurry. The day after there is another aftercare moment.
Where you begin
Have a look at the calendar, discover learning shibari, or book a private session where we work entirely at your pace.
Frequently asked questions about safety
No, not in my sessions. We make a clear distinction between pain and intense sensation. Pain is a signal to stop. The pressure of the ropes can give intense sensations, which are often experienced as pleasant. Rope marks are sometimes visible for a while. That is normal and fades on its own.
Then we stop. Immediately, without questions. We make clear agreements beforehand so that stopping is always simple.
That depends on the offering, and you can see it beforehand from the number of chili peppers. In the initiation and the classes the clothes stay on. Soft, close fitting clothing works well. On the workshop days there is more room, always at your pace and your choice.
No. Most participants are complete beginners. I explain everything step by step and guide you through the whole session. You do not need to be flexible or strong.
Always report injuries or sensitive spots beforehand. I adjust positions and pressure to your body. The sessions are accessible to almost anyone, regardless of flexibility or fitness.
That is very normal and it may be there. When the body relaxes and the mind settles, stored emotions can surface. A laugh, a tear, a deep sigh: everything is welcome. I guide you through it calmly and we take all the time that is needed.
In workshops I always use POSH ropes. They go into the washing machine after every workshop, so you always work with clean rope. In private sessions I work with POSH or jute, and I maintain and clean those jute ropes carefully.
With certain conditions it is important to discuss this beforehand. Think of nerve issues, problems with blood circulation, skin conditions, recent surgery or pregnancy. We always discuss this in the intake conversation. Often I can adjust the session, and your safety always comes first.
Aftercare is a fixed part of every session. After the ropes come off we take time to land quietly. That can be soft touch, warmth, silence or a conversation. Shibari can stir up intense feelings and aftercare helps to process that experience safely. The day after there is another aftercare moment.
No. My sessions and workshops hold no punishment component and no dominance in the BDSM sense of the word. The attention lies on trust, connection and conscious touch. There is a play of giving control and being held, with a different intention.
We discuss that beforehand in the intake conversation. I speak with both partners about expectations and limits, so everyone has room to be honest. During the session I always respect the limit of whoever wants to go most carefully.
Safety starts with the atmosphere. My space in Eke near Ghent is set up as a calm, warm place where you can come to rest. There are always safety shears within reach. We start every session with a quiet conversation and clear agreements. There is no hurry and no pressure. After the session you can always stay a while.