Kink and tantra
Your darker desires as a path to connection. What if your kink is an invitation to deeper intimacy?
You have desires that do not fit the standard story. Fantasies you keep to yourself. A pull towards intensity, towards surrender, towards something raw you cannot explain to friends around the kitchen table.
You are not the only one. More people than you think carry desires like these. And almost everyone thinks: if they knew this about me, then...
In tantra we call those your darker sides. They are called that because you learned to hide them. Because somewhere you learned that desires like this are not okay. That kink is something to be ashamed of.
What we mean by kink
Kink is a broad word. It can be about bondage, about impact play, about dominance and surrender, about sensory play, or about fantasies you cannot put into words. In the tantric approach we see kink as an expression of life force. A desire that tells you something about yourself, if you are willing to listen.
In my work with shibari and tantra I see that kink lives in your body. In the tingle you feel when someone holds your wrists. In the breath that quickens when you let go of control. In the longing for intensity that is stronger than what the outside world offers you.
Why tantra and kink belong together
Many people see tantra as something soft: candles, breath, gentle music. And kink as something hard: leather, rope, intensity. That separation is artificial. Tantra that stays only in the light misses half the story, and kink without awareness misses the depth.
The word tantra means, among other things, weave or continuity. It points to the weaving together of all parts of life, including the parts you would rather skip. The tantric tradition has always understood that growth comes from consciously embracing the dark. Kink fits that philosophy: it is an invitation to be fully present with what is alive in you, including the desires you normally hide.
That is what I mean when I combine kink and tantra. It is about getting to know your desires. About daring to feel them in a safe, conscious setting. About getting back the energy you put into suppressing them, as calm and connection.
Acknowledging is something other than acting out, and that distinction is the core. The psychology behind it, from Jung to Existential Kink, is set out on shadow work in tantra.
Kink and shame
Shame is the most powerful guard of your kink. It is the voice that says: this is not allowed. This is too much. This is too strange. Normal people do not want this.
Shame lives in your body. When you feel shame your body literally shrinks: your shoulders draw in, your breath goes shallow, your eyes go down. And precisely because it sits in the body, you can also meet it through the body. By feeling where it sits, giving it room, and discovering that it does not destroy you when you look at it.
Why shibari works so well with kink
Shibari has a particular quality: it makes the invisible visible. The rope lets you feel where tension sits. It invites you to move between control and surrender, between holding on and letting go. And exactly in that field of tension your deepest desires surface.
I deliberately work with the paradox shibari offers: physical restriction gives rise to inner freedom. When the rope wraps your body, your head goes quieter. There is nothing left to do. There is only being. And in that being your kink is simply allowed to be there, without explanation, without excuse.
We never work towards pain. These are not classic BDSM workshops. We work towards a surrender that arises because the safety and the holding feel so good that you can let go entirely. That is the difference from many kink scenes: here you explore your darker sides from awareness and connection.
Safety as the condition for depth
You can only really meet your darker sides when you feel safe. Without safety there is no surrender, only survival.
That is why all my workshops start by sensing the group. That is why we work with continuous check-ins, in which we keep asking what feels good and what does not. That is why there is always room for aftercare, for landing after an intense experience.
The bedding of safety is the main thing. How I do that in practice is on safety and consent.
Where you explore this
Un-Shame. An afternoon workshop around welcoming what you normally keep hidden, through play, movement and embodiment, with a temple space in the evening. An edition of Shibari meets Tantra, and the most accessible first step.
Untie Me. A three day tantra retreat where surrender, shibari and shadow work come together, with an evening temple at the heart of the weekend. Everything about it on Untie Me.
Both take place in Belgium and the Netherlands. Have a look at the calendar for the next dates.
How intense it is
Un-Shame sits at level 2 of the chili system: sensuality is given room, clothes can come off and that is always your choice. Untie Me sits at level 3, where nudity is welcome when it feels right and where we work directly with the raw life force.
Read how the chili system works and why I work trauma informed.
What embracing your kink gives you
People who do this work often describe a feeling of relief. As if something heavy falls from their shoulders. They did nothing spectacular. They were finally allowed to be who they are, entirely, with all their desires included.
That is the promise of kink in a tantric frame. Your desires do not disappear, they no longer hold you in their grip. Your darker sides remain, and they become a source of strength. You do not become normal, you become whole.
If you are reading this and something in you resonates, that is already the beginning. You do not have to understand everything. You do not have to be able to label your kink. You only have to be willing to feel what is there.
Frequently asked questions about kink and tantra
Yes. Un-Shame is an afternoon workshop aimed at welcoming what you normally keep hidden. Untie Me is a three day tantra retreat where surrender, shibari and shadow work come together. Both are in the calendar.
No, not in the classic sense. We work with elements you also find in BDSM, such as rope, impact and surrender, and the intention is different. There is no power play, no role play and no pain as a goal. The focus is tantric: conscious connection, presence and getting to know yourself through your darker desires.
Then you are welcome. Many participants come precisely because they want to explore their desires in a safe environment, without the pressure of a classic kink scene. We always start by building trust and sensing the group. You have nothing to prove and nothing to perform.
The difference lies in the intention and the guidance. At a party or a munch you are largely on your own. Here you are guided through a process of becoming conscious, with breath work, tantric exercises and continuous check-ins. The aim is acknowledging and welcoming your desires within a safe bedding.
In some workshops we use floggers, and not aimed at pain. The flogger is used for the therapeutic value of rhythmic impact on the nervous system: it helps the body release tension and drop deeper into feeling. At the same time it is an invitation to acknowledge the piece of kink around it rather than put it away.
We work with sexual energy and around sexual desires, so the theme is present, consciously and openly. It is not a sex party and not a dating event. There is no intercourse. Sexual energy may be there, conscious presence is the key.
Yes, and many participants come alone. We build the day deliberately: we start with short exercises to get to know each other and build trust. You do not need to bring a partner to do deep work.
Then this is exactly the right place. Shame around kink is one of the core themes we explore. We begin by meeting it. By feeling where it sits in your body. And by discovering that it does not destroy you when you look at it.
Un-Shame is an afternoon workshop that opens the door. An accessible first acquaintance with welcoming your hidden sides, through play, movement and embodiment. Untie Me goes deeper: a three day tantra retreat that makes the full journey from shame to surrender, with shibari, temple work and integration. Un-Shame is the door, Untie Me is the journey through it.
Tantra is about weaving together all parts of life, including the dark, intense and uncomfortable ones. Kink is a natural expression of life force that many tantric traditions recognise. By exploring kink consciously in a tantric setting you become freer in your desires and deeper in your connection with yourself and others. More about the psychology behind that on shadow work in tantra.